So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
