I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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