I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
