Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
