Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
