I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
