We're facebook friends in real life
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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