This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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