Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
