i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
