I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
