fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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