wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
