we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She even gives head with a lisp.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
