I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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