You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I had your ass I would rule the world
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
