I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
