I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
