Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Im part way to drunk.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
