yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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