mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
