This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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