True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
