I wish my penis had an off switch
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
