I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
