Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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