He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
