He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
