I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
