my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
