shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
