are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
