she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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