Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
