He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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