Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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