Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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