Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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