I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
