4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
