People with herpes should wear stickers.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
