i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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