6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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