I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
