Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
