Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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