So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
