so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
