Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
