Someone shit on the floor
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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